Cold Fronts are Starting

Last week I had a bladder infection and now I'm in pain because the weather just dropped by twenty degrees. I have a 7 hour shift tomorrow and with someone on vacation I'm having a longer work week than normal but don't think I'll be able to hold up unless the weather steadies out. My workplace doesn't make accommodations for wheel chairs and walking turns very painful for me.

I'm already tempted to put in my two weeks notice, but then how am I going to live if I don't 'tough it out' so I'm not 'living on your dollar'?

If it is another infection then I'm screwed, as that would mean its now immune to yet another anti-biotic and I'm already allergic to all with sulfur in it. Last year it became immune to macrobid. I'm positive its the IC symptoms allowing the infection to return. All summer I didn't have a single problem and lived a normal life.

Interstitial Cystitis Returns

My symptoms were so minor I believed I was going into remission, or at least the cold fronts wouldn't do much harm to me. You couldn't really call what passed a cold front because we kept the AC on, but my body certainly felt it. I'm taking my heaviest meds and sitting on a heating pad in hopes of stopping it from becoming worse before work, and it's completely drained my motivation to do any of the activities I usually enjoy.

All the hope I had earlier of lasting a whole year at a job is basically gone now. If such a minor front could hurt me enough to distract me from my favorite activities, then how bad is it going to be when the major ones start rolling through? I know I positively won't be able to work the 20 hours a week that I do now. As a cashier, there's a lot of walking and standing involved. I already asked about accommodations for a wheel chair and all they had to do was point at the space in the stall.

There's only two registers in one stall, and it's not wide enough for a wheel chair or short enough for one. They could possibly let me sit on a stool, but half of my job is walking around straightening up product. In short, once I get that bad, I think they'll let me go.

My mom has already proven to be very disappointed in me and on the verge of labeling me a hypochondriac from last year despite me being fine this whole summer. If I did lose the job I'd face verbal abuse all day since she works even less hours than I do.

I know stress makes IC worse, but how can I not be stressed in this predicament? If I just had someone to say, "It will be alright. Just do what you can," my stress levels would be so much lower. My family is also saying that I'm "projecting" what will happen to me and so it will happen. which sounds more like they think magic is real to me. I wasn't thinking anything bad was going to happen until that surprise cold front hit and I had to run to the bathroom every two hours and had the worse day at work yet since we only have two people working there at a time, making bathroom breaks guilt-filled.

I wanted to go back to school for teaching since I was doing so much better, but I don't think that will ever be possible. I'm going to have to look into web design or some other stay at home job that isn't a scam just so I don't feel worthless all over again.

Tips on IC Pain and Pelvic exams

"The bottom line is feeling in control, which is an important part of healing. "IC and all of the pain syndromes that occur in the pelvis can make you feel out of control. But you can feel in control by choosing your healthcare providers—choosing YOUR team." -- Dr. Metzger Well, mine never seemed to try to be gentle with me even after telling her a million times to be gentler to me than other patients.

IC and College, a broken system

Okay so I missed class today. Yes, its a damn cold front. Yes I hurt. No, I'm not going to drive an hour in a car without access to the tub since Soma isn't even helping. We had a quiz today. Problem? This is Prof. A**hole. His syllabus says this:

Assessment:
Random Reading Quizzes (you can’t make a higher grade in the course than the average of your reading quizzes)
Mid Term – 20%
Presentation – 20%
Term Paper – 30%
Final – 30%


I already missed one quiz because of AN EXCUSED ABSENCE DUE TO A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT. He didn't tell me a thing about the quiz! Two weeks later I hear my class mates talking about it! I doubt he just wrote me a 100 for it. So now every time I'm slightly late I have to ask. I usually start with good faith in my instructors. Now, will he let me make this quiz up? Or did I read the entirety of Dangeros Liasons, once spent six hours IN ONE DAY to finish it, for nothing since no matter how well I do on everything else I currently have a 0 F?

Another problem is although the disabilities' director is a nice guy and had a face-to-face chat with this professor about my "unique" (its not) condition, the disability system is still styled for the handicapped and those with learning disabilities, not people with invisible illnesses. If he lets me make up the quiz then he is redeemed in my eyes, but it sure looks suspicious I missed the first two quizzes "conveniently" even if one had been scheduled on the only day I could see my GP. Trust me, school is a lot funner than seeing my GP. For one my clothes stay on.

Good things come to an end

Had a massive flare today as the air grew chill once again. Thankfully I have the weekend off to deal with it.. or do I? College students don't have days off because we always have to read or some such on days without class. And since I'm the proclaimed "house bitch" (a term of humor used amongst me and my friends for whoever doesn't work and does the house work) that adds on.

There's another blog post I need to write about the doctor is always right mentality.. have some stories.

Holding back Birth Control until getting a pap smear is not informed consent

I had my annual exam this week. I call it the "rape exam" as I'm forced to do it to receive birth control which helps my bladder pain and also to hold a healthy relationship. It reminds me of the movie Brave Heart when you got married the mayor or whatever had first rights to your new wife. In order for me to be together with my boyfriend of 7 years and sole provider of monetary support I have to deal with this every year even though I do not consent to the reasoning behind it and that no other country except us, Canada, and Australia does this. Planned Parenthood is too far away for me to do the HOPE program. People in the U.K. gawk when they hear how women are treated over here in regards to birth control.

One of my friends got pregnant trying to avoid the exam while I ordered my pills online, much to the horror of all my other "friends" who I am no longer close to due to their betrayal of my (correct) feelings.

http://std.about.com/u/ua/stdsinthemedia/papocpua.htm
http://www.epigee.org/guide/medfaq.html
http://www.uhs.umich.edu/papsmears
http://feministsforchoice.com/birth-control-held-hostage.htm
http://feministsforchoice.com/pap-smears-save-lives.htm
http://www.aafp.org/online/en/home/clinical/exam/cervicalcancer.html


So much conflicting information. The last one even calls people like me "silly." I have IC. I know to do my own research, advocate for myself, and how to make educated choices for the autonomy of my body. No physician I have been to has taken my sexual history seriously. I say I'm still with my boyfriend from high school, we were both virgins, and we have never had that form of cancer in my family. They ignore me and force me in the stirrups. Its either that or I lose my relationship and the relief it brings for my IC.

Even if a result came back abnormal I wouldn't seek "treatment" as the body usually wins out. If I had two abnormal results then perhaps I would, but, as an IC patient, anything down there hurts.

My favorite quote comes from a comment from feministsforchocie:

To make an informed decision and truly have a choice one must have all of the facts. I absolutely support the idea that women and men see their doctor at regular intervals and discuss their health openly and honestly, which includes doctors informing women of the high false positive rate of pap smears, letting women know that a pelvic exam is not necessarily required every year, and instead of having a blanket requirement that all women need yearly pap and pelvic exams, doctors should customize the yearly exam to fit the needs of each individual. How many more women would go see the gyno more often if they knew that they would only be subjected to testing that was necessary for them personally?

What bothers me the most is the idea that women must be required to see the doctor because they cannot be trusted to take care of their health themselves. The attitude is condescending and disrespectful. While screening for disease is beneficial, it is a choice and women should be trusted to make the decision for themselves.

Indeed, I am refused INFORMED consent. I am informed, I just am not allowed to make a decision regardless of my education. The test is from prehistoric times, and many women are now speaking about against it. It SHOULD be a choice, not mandatory.

I think men should be required to have a HPV test before they can receive Viagra.

But yes, (GASP) all that is medically necessary is a blood pressure check for birth control. There is no rule saying you must have a pap for the pill, but unfortunately the medical community allows doctors to keep giving women false information. These doctors believe it themselves.

Doctors should be allowed to recommend it, but never hold it and my relationship hostage.

They even screen women without a cervix.

Some sites say you need one every year, some say every two years, and I've heard every five years. No one is out there to give a definite answer. Its like IC. Its also sad that I'm looking for .gov info, but all the top results are BLOGS. I highly encourage you to view Dr. Sherman's blog on my blog roll list to the right.

My doctor told me there's no way out of getting a pap for birth control. I knew better. I knew I could get it from Planned Parenthood, I could get it from the internet, or I could go to Mexico because its sold OTC.

http://www.acog.org/~/media/For%20Patients/faq150.ashx

I really hate the phrasing here. "You may have this done to you," rather than "Your doctor may suggest this be done, but its your choice." This sort of phrasing is what sent me into five years of panic attacks. I didn't have my first pap until 22 because I was in so much pain from IC I just didn't care anymore. Reading the website causes alone causes me emotional pain due to my fears and over protectiveness of my body brought on my an overabundance of doctor exams and procedures done to me as a child. Reading an article like this as a teen really makes you feel helpless.

Yet the guidelines have changed, and this blogger complains about it: http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2010/05/13/to-pap-smear-or-not-to-smear-thats-the-question/

Funny thing is.. the links to the changes are gone now! Like I said, you can't find information to inform yourself anywhere except through blogs, which is sickening.

Wikipedia is the only one that mentions the differences between nations: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pap_test

I read one story about a Korean girl who married an American and when she came here she was horrified by the requirement to have a pap done to receive BC, so every year she returns home to get her prescription.

In the UK these are the guidelines: http://cancerhelp.cancerresearchuk.org/type/cervical-cancer/about/cervical-cancer-screening

Every 5 years. I'd be okay with that, if you know, I was in the risk group. But being in a monogamous relationship since high school and no family history of it makes it sound like a useless, humiliating test.

Yet, the doctors don't listen. They don't want informed patients. Perhaps, following the guidelines set by the UK, I'd be a lot less stressed around doctors.

http://www.owningpink.com/2009/11/20/new-pap-smear-guidelines-why-the-holistic-health-of-women-is-in-jeopardy

OH boy more conflicting information! The only important thing I can see out of ANY OF THIS is to get a pap smear when you feel you need one. Yet, the doctors won't listen.

A lawsuit can be made, but, as I like this doctor even if she's been corrupted by the evil bi*ch who left me in a room crying and softly rocking due to my anxieties over the pap because I demanded to speak to her rather than the male medical student and she evidently forgot all about me in there, I won't shove my weight around. She believed me when I told her I had IC. She gave me pain relief from it while I worked my courage to find the right IC doctor for me. She holds my loyalty for that, but I desperately wish she as well as other gynecological providers would tell their patients EVERYTHING including risks and pros and cons depend on each INDIVIDUAL as we do not all share the same experiences or sex lives.

One friend who was molested as a child held hers off until 30 but her doctor understood. Is the only way to gain bodily autonomy to lie? She wasn't lying, but for the rest of us? I wasn't raped or molested, but I was violated "down there" by a male doctor when I was five. I say violated because I wanted a female since "boys aren't allowed there", my mom said nothing, she later confessed this was because decades ago when she spoke out her doctors screamed at her.

What have we done to ourselves, women?

Sunday Morning -- No Plans Allowed

In pain.. first bathroom time of day and it triggered really bad spasms.. was going to try and WoW raid today, but I just can't be around people now or else I may say things I'll have to apologize for later.

This is IC. And is sucks. It ruins your plans. But I know I won't hurt all day. Even if that means I have to slightly take too many muscle relaxers, by night, I'm usually feeling okayish. Its just this thing changes symptoms every 4 hours. It's why I'm afraid to get a job. I don't know what my life will be like within the next 4 hours much less year! It doesn't seem like a cold front came in last night, and sure maybe I had some salt.. but I feel its more weather related anyway. And still no one studies this. Guess I'll write an e-mail to the ICA. You'd be surprised who you can get in contact with.. like Mr. Famous Literature Criticism guy we studied for a week, I found out he's still alive, and e-mail him questions not clarified in our books or databases and the dude is super nice, replies within a day, and gives me all his personal writings.

Sadly Oprah hasn't replied yet to the whole "Do a damn show on IC" thing, but I'll keep trying.

Second Day of School

I woke up when it was time to leave to had to rush. Thankfully no pain. No pain at all. Not until class was over and I had to do some walking to finalize some errands, then the spasms started. There was a big cold front last night, so I'm surprised I woke up feeling well.

I took my meds, finished my errands, got home and sat on a heating pad before letting my bladder empty itself then that's when the worst pain comes. Well, after going to the bathroom I'm tethered to the heating pad. Its bearable, but makes me not want to move. At all. I really think a wheel chair would be the best option for me for now.. but they are expensive, my insurance won't cover rent on one for a few months, and my mom thinks I'm being dramatic.

So that's my status update. There's housework that needs to be done and I will be screamed at for not doing them, but I'm not leaving this heating pad until I feel "normal" again.

Life as a Weather Balloon ( cold front flare)

I am the perfect weather balloon. Mother said cold front was coming yesterday, but my body say no, everything's cool.

Late last night I have a terrible spasm that felt like a menstrual cramp, only in the bladder, and that HURTS.

I wake up today in pain... and wouldn't ya know, the cold front was a day late.



------

As I stated earlier the best coping strategy is to distract yourself. There are some flares you can control such as stress or food flares, but then there are others when you can do nothing like a flare caused by the weather. The only thing you can is take all your pain meds, tether yourself to a heating pad, and then distract yourself. Unlike the advice my mom gives me, sleeping does not work if you are in pain. Works great if you have the flu, doesn't work if you have IC unless there's a drip of morphine going into you.. not to mention holding in urine too long while sleeping all day is just going to make it feel worse when you wake up.

That said, I was pretty happy to open my present and find Skyrim. I was like, cool, I'll go play it now! I remember the soothing music from its predecessor Oblivion helped me stay relaxed a lot.

Well, Skyrim had DRM added to it. For non-gamers, that means that you must have internet connection. For someone living with a 10gig cap of bandwidth, and when the DRM makes you DOWNLOAD the game despite the fact that you BOUGHT the CD, its going to cost a lot of time and money. So I started off mad.

Then about 14 minutes into the game it froze and locked up. I run a 64bit system which needs 4gigs of ram. Skyrim was made only to use 2gigs. So, the memory is getting clogged. Someone fixed this, but with the DRM patch that was forced on me with the CD it broke the fix. So I am the unhappy owner of a game that crashes constantly.

Oddly, I find that anger helps my symptoms. Probably because it distracts me. But I did sent corporate a nasty email.

As for the flare itself it's pretty nasty.. despite my drug-lord level of pain pills, its just helping me ignore the pain rather than get rid of it like it usually does. There's really nothing else I can do. It's feeling pretty bad now. When I'm in this state I don't want to talk to other people or play with them. I usually just browse forums, blogs, or single players games. Guess I'll save every 2 minutes in Skyrim.

Musings

You know I was just thinking.. a lot of ICers say their flares are worse than giving birth on the pain scale.. So, how about we just pack up everyone with IC and send them off to war. See, we'd be awesome at ignoring bullet wounds. We'd likely move like zombies, but it'd take quite a bit to stop us from moving.

The Blind

Mother continues to dismiss my pain. I requested help getting a fold up wheelchair for campus use weeks ago and she said it was stupid, I would only weaken my legs despite me telling her I wasn't going to use it in the house.

After the flare yesterday I've decided that I do NEED one for those days. Bonus points if I can find a battery operated heating pad.

You know what she did? She gave away my Grandmother's scooter to my uncle (which is fine, because I can't load that in my car and he has cancer), BUT the folding wheelchair? She's giving it to some distant relative who's "old."

So I'm not "old" enough in her eyes to use a wheelchair to prevent flares. When I talked to her again, asking for the free wheel chair she said, and I quote, "That's ridiculous."

The hardest part is at the beginning of this she was very supportive. She made food for me when I couldn't leave bed, bought me things I could eat, and paid for my meds. Now? No. Now I'm just making it up because I should be "better" by now. I've been completely dismissed. I'm going to try and get one through insurance. So rather than give me a free one, I have to waste more money.

Why I Hate Everyone

This is a post written amidst a flare. I will be hateful, politically incorrect, and highly offensive with bad words. This is also a public post because it needs to be heard, or at least, what IC does to a person's mentality.

I hate everyone today. I had to go get blood drawn but had to be driven an hour there and an hour back to the lab. I didn't feel the needle. It went great. I was already in a flare. I've been in once for the past 2 days, but the meds I've been taking made it bearable and I could play games and distract myself. Walking and leave the house is a bad idea. But I had to today.

I brought heating pad with me. Ride there and ride back as okay, but we needed to go to walmart to pick up Kleenex and maybe something edible for me. I find that matching my usual walk fast pace just makes it worse, so I ask James to tiptoe with me as it's the only way I could do it. All the wheelchairs for taken -- by fat women. Fat fucks who, SURPRISE, riding in a wheel chair isn't going to fix that. And these women all seemed chipper. Well of course, they weren't sick. maybe walking just her because they were so fucking fat. Who knows. So I just brave it out.

I get to the cereal aisle and a spasm punches me in the gut. This type of pain is hard to describe. The simplest way is to say imagine the worst bladder infection you've ever had, but no medication will stop the pain. But I'll say it felt like I hadn't urinated for 24 hours beforehand, and this new spasm felt like my bladder was ripping apart. I told James I was out of there. I had to go back to the car, put on the heating pad, and lay down.

I blame it on the fat fucks. If I could have gotten a chair the jostling wouldn't have triggered this. I wish their leg/back pain would kill them, but it won't, so they'll just get fatter and keep using the chairs. This is why I want my own damn wheel chair. This season is destroying me like it always does. Will I graduate this year? I have no idea. If the IC behaves, yes, I will. if not then no, I have to waste yet another year on online courses and another year keeping me away from getting a job I can do online.

I hate all the healthy people. I hear this is common with cancer patients too. I hate them. I despise them and their first world problems that they complain about. I'd trade them.

Do you want to pray for me? Please do. Even though I despise organized religion of any kind, I'm not a scrooge about it. I prayed constantly last year. Deus ex machina didn't happen.

I'm hurting bad. I can't even play with James and it feels like I'm wasting his vacation. I went to bed early last night. I woke up early. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, it will hurt. Until some asshole finally decides to do research on temperature change and chronic illnesses I think we're all fucked. I know my other chronically ill friends are having a hard time this winter too. Something is happening, but no one cares to research it because it brings in no money.

This isn't an infection I don't think because last night I felt pretty normal. The morning/dayti flares are what are destroying me.

I'm taking Valium, soma, elimiron, utira-c, oxybutinin, and benedryl, and even with all this shit still I feel like my bladder is destroying itself.

Now factor in the only thing I can safely eat are mostly tasteless things. Plain rice, some wheat, and if I'm brave then mild cheddar cheese. So I sit watching these fat fucks stuff their mouths with McDonald's breakfast items (which I love and crave) and then watch them scoot on out with the customary Wal-mart scooters and I'm expected not to hate them.

I'm usually not a hateful person, not ever, I don't even hate Hitler, I just want to understand why he did what he did and say it was wrong but from that viewpoint (evidently his mother was impregnated by a rich Jewish guy she worked for, or so the school databases suggest with some evidence such as Hitler turning the graveyard his "dad" was buried in into an artillery range so that everything would be destroyed..) So no, I don't hate him. Not even him.

But now? Today? At this moment? I'm filled with it for everyone. Even those who didn't take the chairs. I suppose it comes with the "why me?" sentiment.

So what now? James won't and can't move to South America every winter. I can't work outside the home unless this goes into remission. And at 26 I am kicked off my step dad's insurance plan. That blood test that I have to do every month costs $140 by itself without insurance. Elmiron costs $500, and I won't even bother looking into the others unless I want to depress myself me. I don't think this thing will go into remission within 3 years.

So what do I do now? The worst part is NO ONE CAN SEE THIS. It is not visible. If I took the chair I'd be glared at. If I accepted my doctor's offer for a handicapped parking spot I'd be glared at. But right now I am handicapped, badly handicapped. No housework will be done today, and my mom won't let me forget.

If my bladder is removed it'll do nothing. It's the muscles triggering it. But they're connected to everything down there and can't be removed.

Will the Republicans pay for my medications? No. Will the Democrats? Maybe, but I'm not so hopeful. I can't get disability because I never had a chance to work because of this. I can get SSI, but when look at me and my age and depending on the day I can look pretty damn healthy I suspect I'll be denied repeatedly. Will my urologist vouch for me? Maybe. But she's already stuck her head out for me by giving me all these pills and I'd hate to put more work on her. In the end I may have to. I guess along with James, Chris, and my other chronically friends she is the only other person I don't hate right now.

So now what? Seriously. Tell me what you would do in this situation. I just want to get my degree and go for a masters. I would love the hell out of being a teacher student. But I can't. I'm crippled, but not crippled enough for the government to help me.

I'm cross posting this everywhere. THIS IS IC AND THIS IS WHAT IT DOES. THIS IS WHY I DON'T VISIT MY FAMILY. THIS IS WHY I CAN'T VISIT MY GRANDMOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL. THIS IS THE REASON MY BOYFRIEND MAY EVENTUALLY BREAK UP WITH ME (though he's been a trooper so far). You can all stop making me feel guilty. Perhaps it'll lessen my hate a little.

Jinxed myself

Week of my period..

Bladder spasms seem to have replaced uterine spasms. Its a deep, unusual pain for that area. Now its back to urgency feel.. took everything I could. Not working. Heating pad, not working. It hurts. There's no way I could hold down a job or attend school at this level of pain. I'm glad finals finished right before this week..

Finals

Felt pretty good yesterday. Today I'm just using heating pad as a caution since I need to study for my first final which is.. tomorrow. I'll just hope my papers were good enough to get me over the hill. Really, they didn't tell us a thing until before Thanksgiving so we were forced to do our papers then (3 classes) and turn it in, and only have 1 week of class, and then finals (2 classes). I'll play a game to wake myself up with for a bit.. have a little fun.. then go lay down and study.

Yay warm

It's warmed up and I've woken without burning. So far I feel like a normal human being today. It feels nice.

Not looking well.

I'm not sure if the cyclosporine is working. I've had terrible pains since 6. I took everything I could constantly., had a small period of time where I was mostly pain free, but as soon as I urinated everything went to hell despite the massive amounts of muscle relaxers I took. It's these damn cold fronts. I'm positive the temperature must have dropped by 10 degrees at least, and I can say this without even going outside. This Soma needs to hurry up and knock me out. I might end up going the way of Michael Jackson, when you're in pain you don't give a shit.

This isn't like labor pain, or a very painful medical procedure because this pain is chronic. I could stay in this state for a day, or weeks. I think my doctor's given me everything she can. And even with all this high leveled, controlled substances it still feels like there's and angry cat in the bladder. It burns and it spasms.

Earlier today I only spasmed when I walked, so this lead me into look for cheap wheelchairs for when I have to leave the house in this condition. Well now its just ripping itself apart for no reason. My mom discouraged the wheel chair idea, but if this is going to happen every winter I need something else to help!

Oh, right, and my pharmacy is out of cyclosporine anyway so I have to wake up early and go to this other place that magically conjures up whatever medication exists. Its more expensive, but probably because they have hired a wizard.

Hurting badly

Burning isn't a usual part of my IC, but with the weather its started to constantly burn and when I move the entire thing spasms. I makes me not want to stand. No research has been done on weather and IC, but it really needs to be done. A lot of ICers have extra problems during the cold months.

This would be the thing keeping me from getting a job. My normal pain can usually be ocontrolled, but despite taking valium, oxybutin, and soma it only help slightly. I need to move to the equator or something.. though my cousin said Los Angeles never gets cold or hot.. But like he said, cost of living there is insane.

So I remain tethered to my heating pad. My Grandmother's burial was today and thankfully I made it there during my 4 hour safe period. Look at a few of the grave, saw quite a bit of WWII vets who died in the 70s so they survived the war, but found one that died in '44... so.. he didn't live. There was one Vietnam one who died in the 60s, so I assume he didn't survive that war.. Saddest one was a family plot. Me and my nephew look confused at the graves, because all there was was a line of cement with markers over there. Said nephew assumed we were standing on the bodies when when I looked at their birth/death dates it turns out each one never lived past a year so their bodies fit under the grave markers.

Then I learned through looking at my grandmother's family plot that my pawpaw, her husband, had a first wife and an adopted son, both dead. The son died at 7 years old. mother said from Leukemia. Wife died a month after, mom said it was a blood clot during surgery. I don't understand how that man could keep going after losing his family within two months.

The Winter Flare

I don't know how much the temperature dropped. All I know is that last night things were warm enough to have the air conditioner on for awhile. I wake up and notice my boyfriend has out the heat on full blast, and this is a guy who finds 70 too hot.

I do my daily chores and find it it feels kinda chilly. Usually I get a 4 hour break from pain right after waking up. Today wasn't like that. Pain and burning from the start, I took all pain killers and my eyes are terribly dilated but I still hurt.

My Grandmother just died. Original plans was wake on tomorrow, which I could attend. Now they've moved everything to Tuesday. I have school on Tuesday. The two events happen at different times, but I'm flaring and I only have a 4 hour break. I must choose. Usually I'd pick the funeral, but it is the week before finals where teachers tend to give study guides to the "good" students who came to class. I need that guide. I'll email her and ask for notes and everything.

If that fails then I get to look like a worthless, selfish member of the family because no one understand the type of pain this disease causes.

This related to the spoon theory (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/). I don't have enough spoons for both. I told my mom this and she got very mad and disappointed to the point of making me cry. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. It's not my fault, but that's never the message conveyed from her.

Winter is my enemy

During the warmer months I wake up with no pain. Now after first urination everything is sore and feels swollen then generally declines until its time to go to the bathroom again.. then if I haven't doped myself up enough it'll start spasming and I either:

1. Attach myself to a heating pad
2: Nuke my system medicine and go to sleep

I have one last final paper to write for school and that needs to be done in 3 hours before spasms set in. Tomorrow I'll have to start proof-reading everything. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to school after this week with everything going crazy. I'll need all my meds and will have to find a driver.

Flare

Day before thanksgiving, flaring. Meds aren't working entirely. Took everything but soma and heating pad. Not eating well.