Why I Hate Everyone

This is a post written amidst a flare. I will be hateful, politically incorrect, and highly offensive with bad words. This is also a public post because it needs to be heard, or at least, what IC does to a person's mentality.

I hate everyone today. I had to go get blood drawn but had to be driven an hour there and an hour back to the lab. I didn't feel the needle. It went great. I was already in a flare. I've been in once for the past 2 days, but the meds I've been taking made it bearable and I could play games and distract myself. Walking and leave the house is a bad idea. But I had to today.

I brought heating pad with me. Ride there and ride back as okay, but we needed to go to walmart to pick up Kleenex and maybe something edible for me. I find that matching my usual walk fast pace just makes it worse, so I ask James to tiptoe with me as it's the only way I could do it. All the wheelchairs for taken -- by fat women. Fat fucks who, SURPRISE, riding in a wheel chair isn't going to fix that. And these women all seemed chipper. Well of course, they weren't sick. maybe walking just her because they were so fucking fat. Who knows. So I just brave it out.

I get to the cereal aisle and a spasm punches me in the gut. This type of pain is hard to describe. The simplest way is to say imagine the worst bladder infection you've ever had, but no medication will stop the pain. But I'll say it felt like I hadn't urinated for 24 hours beforehand, and this new spasm felt like my bladder was ripping apart. I told James I was out of there. I had to go back to the car, put on the heating pad, and lay down.

I blame it on the fat fucks. If I could have gotten a chair the jostling wouldn't have triggered this. I wish their leg/back pain would kill them, but it won't, so they'll just get fatter and keep using the chairs. This is why I want my own damn wheel chair. This season is destroying me like it always does. Will I graduate this year? I have no idea. If the IC behaves, yes, I will. if not then no, I have to waste yet another year on online courses and another year keeping me away from getting a job I can do online.

I hate all the healthy people. I hear this is common with cancer patients too. I hate them. I despise them and their first world problems that they complain about. I'd trade them.

Do you want to pray for me? Please do. Even though I despise organized religion of any kind, I'm not a scrooge about it. I prayed constantly last year. Deus ex machina didn't happen.

I'm hurting bad. I can't even play with James and it feels like I'm wasting his vacation. I went to bed early last night. I woke up early. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, it will hurt. Until some asshole finally decides to do research on temperature change and chronic illnesses I think we're all fucked. I know my other chronically ill friends are having a hard time this winter too. Something is happening, but no one cares to research it because it brings in no money.

This isn't an infection I don't think because last night I felt pretty normal. The morning/dayti flares are what are destroying me.

I'm taking Valium, soma, elimiron, utira-c, oxybutinin, and benedryl, and even with all this shit still I feel like my bladder is destroying itself.

Now factor in the only thing I can safely eat are mostly tasteless things. Plain rice, some wheat, and if I'm brave then mild cheddar cheese. So I sit watching these fat fucks stuff their mouths with McDonald's breakfast items (which I love and crave) and then watch them scoot on out with the customary Wal-mart scooters and I'm expected not to hate them.

I'm usually not a hateful person, not ever, I don't even hate Hitler, I just want to understand why he did what he did and say it was wrong but from that viewpoint (evidently his mother was impregnated by a rich Jewish guy she worked for, or so the school databases suggest with some evidence such as Hitler turning the graveyard his "dad" was buried in into an artillery range so that everything would be destroyed..) So no, I don't hate him. Not even him.

But now? Today? At this moment? I'm filled with it for everyone. Even those who didn't take the chairs. I suppose it comes with the "why me?" sentiment.

So what now? James won't and can't move to South America every winter. I can't work outside the home unless this goes into remission. And at 26 I am kicked off my step dad's insurance plan. That blood test that I have to do every month costs $140 by itself without insurance. Elmiron costs $500, and I won't even bother looking into the others unless I want to depress myself me. I don't think this thing will go into remission within 3 years.

So what do I do now? The worst part is NO ONE CAN SEE THIS. It is not visible. If I took the chair I'd be glared at. If I accepted my doctor's offer for a handicapped parking spot I'd be glared at. But right now I am handicapped, badly handicapped. No housework will be done today, and my mom won't let me forget.

If my bladder is removed it'll do nothing. It's the muscles triggering it. But they're connected to everything down there and can't be removed.

Will the Republicans pay for my medications? No. Will the Democrats? Maybe, but I'm not so hopeful. I can't get disability because I never had a chance to work because of this. I can get SSI, but when look at me and my age and depending on the day I can look pretty damn healthy I suspect I'll be denied repeatedly. Will my urologist vouch for me? Maybe. But she's already stuck her head out for me by giving me all these pills and I'd hate to put more work on her. In the end I may have to. I guess along with James, Chris, and my other chronically friends she is the only other person I don't hate right now.

So now what? Seriously. Tell me what you would do in this situation. I just want to get my degree and go for a masters. I would love the hell out of being a teacher student. But I can't. I'm crippled, but not crippled enough for the government to help me.

I'm cross posting this everywhere. THIS IS IC AND THIS IS WHAT IT DOES. THIS IS WHY I DON'T VISIT MY FAMILY. THIS IS WHY I CAN'T VISIT MY GRANDMOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL. THIS IS THE REASON MY BOYFRIEND MAY EVENTUALLY BREAK UP WITH ME (though he's been a trooper so far). You can all stop making me feel guilty. Perhaps it'll lessen my hate a little.

America's Healthcare

http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html

Every other first world country but us... perhaps Obama's plan was crap. It was too long, too much.. but now everyone's too busy with the defense authorization bill and trying to censor the internet to return to this issue.

And ranked 37.

I'll be kicked off my stepdad's insurance at age 26. Thanks to Obama it was expanded to the age.. the old age had been 23 I believe? Which is in two months. My meds, without insurance will cost over $500 a month. At this time I cannot work. I will hopefully aim for landing a transcriptionist job since it can be done at home. I'll finish the schooling within the 3 years... question then is... would there even be job openings?

Jinxed myself

Week of my period..

Bladder spasms seem to have replaced uterine spasms. Its a deep, unusual pain for that area. Now its back to urgency feel.. took everything I could. Not working. Heating pad, not working. It hurts. There's no way I could hold down a job or attend school at this level of pain. I'm glad finals finished right before this week..

Feelin' good

Finals are finished I and I had no flares. I've even cut down on the pain meds today. I hope this normalcy continues =)

Finals

Felt pretty good yesterday. Today I'm just using heating pad as a caution since I need to study for my first final which is.. tomorrow. I'll just hope my papers were good enough to get me over the hill. Really, they didn't tell us a thing until before Thanksgiving so we were forced to do our papers then (3 classes) and turn it in, and only have 1 week of class, and then finals (2 classes). I'll play a game to wake myself up with for a bit.. have a little fun.. then go lay down and study.

Yay warm

It's warmed up and I've woken without burning. So far I feel like a normal human being today. It feels nice.

Not looking well.

I'm not sure if the cyclosporine is working. I've had terrible pains since 6. I took everything I could constantly., had a small period of time where I was mostly pain free, but as soon as I urinated everything went to hell despite the massive amounts of muscle relaxers I took. It's these damn cold fronts. I'm positive the temperature must have dropped by 10 degrees at least, and I can say this without even going outside. This Soma needs to hurry up and knock me out. I might end up going the way of Michael Jackson, when you're in pain you don't give a shit.

This isn't like labor pain, or a very painful medical procedure because this pain is chronic. I could stay in this state for a day, or weeks. I think my doctor's given me everything she can. And even with all this high leveled, controlled substances it still feels like there's and angry cat in the bladder. It burns and it spasms.

Earlier today I only spasmed when I walked, so this lead me into look for cheap wheelchairs for when I have to leave the house in this condition. Well now its just ripping itself apart for no reason. My mom discouraged the wheel chair idea, but if this is going to happen every winter I need something else to help!

Oh, right, and my pharmacy is out of cyclosporine anyway so I have to wake up early and go to this other place that magically conjures up whatever medication exists. Its more expensive, but probably because they have hired a wizard.